Loss and Gains

" We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." By Anais Nin
Though every experience there is always a choice to be made. You make a decisions on how you face every challenge, the future career you will have or what you are going to wear today. We make these choices because of our wants, our needs and how this might be best for us. We are constantly faced with difficult decisions. We try to make the best choice in every challenge we are faced with.
I recently had to make a difficult decision about childhood friendship. The relationship was no longer a healthy friendship. I held on for a long time thinking that we could regain what we loss along the way. We became different people and I realized that it was time to stop avoiding it and discuss it. There is a quote by Winston Churchill , “ Truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it and ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is.” I think after we sat down and talked ,that we reached the conclusion that it was time to say goodbye.
There is this scene in a television show, “My So- Called Life, where Angela and Rayanne recently ended their friendship. They are at play practice for “ Our Town, and in the scene they are practicing the main character has died and she realized how precious every moment is and how she took what she had for granted. In this scene Rayanne and Angela are using the play’s dialogue to say goodbye to their friendship. I can relate to how difficult and painful the situation is when you have to say goodbye I think the scene uses indirect communication to get the point across. There is nothing being directly said about Rayanne and Angela relationship. The lines in the play they are practicing are making an indirect perceptive on their relationship. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Lz65pr4_qo)
Twenty-one percent of friendships that have ended was because , you or your friend has changed.( Interpersonal pg,239) When I had this conversation with my friend I used the direct method of communication to end the friendship. It makes your intent obvious about where the communication is leading. Our discussion was open and honest about
our feelings and thoughts regarding our friendship. ( Interpersonal pg, 240) I think that ending any kind of relationship is difficult and I feel that the best approach is the be direct. Some relationship end because we want or need different things or your lives are going in different directions. I ended my friendship because we were not getting what we need from the other. We are constantly taking inventory of our relationship, thinking how we can better the relationship and our communication within that relationship.
In the book,” That was Then this is Now,” by S.E. Hinton is about two foster brothers who are growing up and growing apart . The book discuss how the two boys are making decisions that are pulling them in different directions. The book discusses how the choices we make can separate a relationship. In the book Mark is selling drugs and Bryon morally objects to what he is doing. There is no middle ground for them to reach agreement on, they start to drift apart. They don’t know how to come back to being friends after the change in their relationship has taken place. I think I understand how you can reach a point in your relationship where you are not connecting on the same level anymore. The friendship you had changed and you have reached a point where you cant go back to what once was. This is when you know that terminating the friendship is the best choice.
There are stages you experience that lead up to knowing that the relationship isn’t working. One of the stage is circumscribing which is where the communication is restricted, constrained. The people in the relationship choose to only discuss safe topics, that wont lead into an argument. The next stage is stagnating is where the people in the relationship are going through the motions. The communication has reached a standstill. The next stage is avoiding where people in the relationship will avoid talking to each other or spending time together. The last stage is the termination stage, which marks the end of the relationship. ( Interpersonal pg 249) I know that I went through these stages when my friendship started to deteriorate. I think we uses these stages in the beginning as a coping mechanism . I thought if we didn’t discuss the elephant in the room than somehow we be to restore our friendship. It only cause more tension between us. We use theses signs to help us realizes the relationship, is not working.
After you go through this difficult process of ending an relationship or friendship, you should give yourself some time to grieve. I spend a lot of time grieving over the loss of that friendship and not sure what with all the memorabilia I had from the years of friendship. It seems trivial but its difficult to take the pictures you have and cards and others things that remind you of that person and put in box away, for you not have to look at it. I was sad knowing that all the future plans we made weren’t going to happen and that we no longer going to be apart of each other lives. It takes times to reach a level of closure and to come to a level of peace with the losses of that relationship. It been almost a year since the friendship ended and I think I am in better place, but its still very much a process. There are days where it hits me, where I feel the loss of the friendship all over again.
I think my goal is to reach accpentance and peace with the loss. I learn though this experince a great deal about myself and the other people in my life. I learn that with this loss, I strenghten other bonds in my life. There a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that concludes it best, “ “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
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